Mixed Feelings

I am having some mixed feelings about several things right now. I can't even verbalize what they are and they may be likely insignificant but I can not not help but want to figure out why I am having mixed feelings about these things!

It likely all comes from my obsessive need for affirmation. It is clearly my love language and how I relate to things. When there is a defined answer, I can usually accept the good or the bad. It is when I do not feel that the "affirmed feeling" that I get ansy (and annoying to those who attempt to affirm these feelings - AKA Kaleb)!

Hoping my feeling of being annoyed and irritated is short lived and that the mixed feelings fade away fast.

CHALLENGE ONE - Question 10

"What single thing that you plan to do this year will matter most in ten years? In eternity?"

I have been pondering this question a lot. I have goals, I have plans; but to answer what will matter most is harder. When you view your goals while judging their long term importance then they are altered somewhat.

In ten years, I think that thing that will matter most will be if my relationship with my kids has grown deeper. I have been their mommy and taken care of them when they were young. I have hugged away boo-boos, kissed a sad face and cheered like a out-of-control football fan at a touchdown when my kids conquered simple first in their life. Now, I am TRYING to teach them responsibility, hard work, self worth and character. To me, this stage has been far harder. You go from being mommy to MOOOOOOMMMMM!

In 10 years, my kids lives will be so different. They will have made it to college, found love, likely lost love, and began to set the path towards their own future. For me, if I can make them understand during these "learning years" how much I adore them, believe in them and love them - that will matter most. (Tears are filling up in my eyes thinking that ten years is really not that far away and there are some really big things coming up in that short amount of time!)

For eternity, I guess that nothing will matter more than helping set a foundation of faith for my children, my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. All the success in the world, all the personal accomplishments will not matter if the legacy of faith is not passed down from my generation. To me, that will matter most for eternity.

CHALLENGE ONE - Question Nine

"What is the one thing that you can do to improve your prayer life this year?"

This was actually answered partially earlier. Simply, I have to learn to converse with God more intimately. I want to share my heart's desires, my deepest fears and my greatest joys with God like I would a best friend.

I also have to learn to listen patiently and silently. God will speak if I just stop and listen.

The conversation must be a two-way communication between God and I.

Soda Pop -

I have always loved soft drinks. I don't think there is anything better than the refreshment of a cold soft drink.

I use to adore ( I mean adore) coca-cola. It was my beverage of choice then and my beverage of choice now. Yet, several years ago I stopped drinking coke when I was on a diet. I loved it so much but it was just something that I had to refrain from purchasing. So now, I never purchase coke for my house. I only enjoy a coke when I am out a restaurant or somewhere where that is the available choice.

After I made a commitment to not bring coke into my house (it has been four years now), I replaced it with drinking another beverage of choice.

I went to water first (only because of diet)

.....then Sprite Zero (okay choice but hard to find at restaurants, stores and etc.)

..... then to unsweeten tea (McDonald's only and I was still on my diet), then to McDonald's sweet tea after my diet was over(Really good but not available at home and I had to go the bathroom every five seconds)

......then to my new love - Barq's Rootbeer.

I have tried everything I can think of stop loving sodas so much. They are so bad for me but I would give up food for my glass of soda. It is an addiction and I am not sure how to give it up for good without a replacement.

I need a new beverage of choice that is available wherever I am -or- maybe I just need to be strong and learn to live on water alone! (As if..)

Challenge One - Question Eight

"What is the most important way you will, by God's grace, try to make this year different than last year?"

I have said a number of times that I love my job. I get to work in a place that I actually enjoy what I do, I work for great people, and I feel like what I do matters.

By God's grace, I want to not allow the "pain in the hiney" clients to discourage me from working diligently for the others. I get a chance to help people in one of their lowest moments in life and I get to offer encouragement to them. Kind words, professional courtesy and sincere concern is something that I strive to give. I want the people that walk away from my office to feel that my handling of their case is not in my hands but something bigger (even bigger than Darrin Mish - LOL)!

I am not suggesting that I witness to clients or tell clients anything about my faith verbally. I just want them to feel something different. I want them to experience a kindness that hopefully they know must come from above.

So, what I want to do different this year is to commit myself to praying again for my clients. I use to do and this past year I was jaded by a few and I quit. Sure, I still pray for the sweetest of client but really, it is unlikely that they are who need my kindness most.

The stories I heard in 2010 were :

- A client whose home was broken into and the intruder duck taped her to her bed and forced himself on her.
- A client whose daughter was killed and their granddaughter was seriously injured.
- A client who once owned a multi-millon dollar company and had his company;s stolen from him by his family member - leaving him insolvent.
- A client who tearfully and solemnly lost her husband to cancer after only knowing for one week of his illness.
- A client who lost her grandchild in a terrible accident and the other grandchildren were injured as well.
- A client whose husband came home from overseas as a soldier and killed himself over stress. She was 9 months pregnant.
- A client who suffers from severe depression and literally can not figure out how she can handle the day to day parts of life.
- A client who......The stories go on and on.

May God allow me to change this year not to let the stories get old. Not to let the pain of others go unnoticed.

And most importantly not to forget how blessed of a life He has graced me with to share with others. I must draw on His comfort so that my stress,my pain,my anger is never felt by others.

And as Carol Kent says "It is learning to be between a Rock and Grace place!"

Challenge ONE - Question 7

"For whose salvation will you pray most fervently this year?"

Out of respect for those I love, I will not list names on the blog. I don't want them to feel one ounce of condemnation from me regarding their salvation. I am just hoping that the Holy Spirit will place a burden upon their heart to seek Christ.

When family is involved, it can be very difficult. If you are reading this, a simple prayer on the behalf of my unsaved family members would be appreciated. God knows who they are!

Challenge One - Question 6

"What is the most helpful new way you could strengthen your church?"

I am hoping that within the ladies group I can help cultivate friendships with more ladies in the church. To me, women have an amazing opporotunity to strengthen the church family. In the care of one another, the fellowship between friends and the tight bonds that women build are typically far beyond that of men!

Granted, we as women, can have the exact opposite impact on a church family. We can cause tension, create drama and make life miserable for others.

So, to me this year the most helpful way that I can strengthen my church is to strengthen my friendships and sisterhood with those within the church. Hopefully that friendship will be extended beyond those in my circle.

Sounds easy enough right? Well, as I woman I know that can open me up to be vulnerable to the pain that broken friendships can cause. I also know it can bring joy beyond words for the precious time spent with girlfriends.